Open Diary

*Warning: this post is wordy. I am in my feelings right now.*

I just watched the most recent episode of Jersey Shore (I think). Yes, I watch Jersey Shore. *fist pumps* It was the episode when Snooki’s boyfriend Gionni comes to visit her in Italy but gets mad because she shows her “cooka” while they’re at the club and storms off as the entire cast chases him around Florence and Jenni yells throughout the streets for him and Snooki cries hysterically.
Gionni completely disregards her attempts to keep him there but he decides to pack his bags and leave. As in, the country.

Now I completely understand him being upset. I wouldn’t want my S.O.’s privates all out in the open either but for goodness sake, he’s dating SNOOKI! The humped hair, cheetah print swimsuit turned dress wearing, drunk on the beach in the middle of the day SNOOKI! Like, what else did he expect?

Seeing her crying so hysterically really got me in my feelings. And when she kept asking him “what did I do? what did I do to you?” it hit me where it hurts, because I’ve been there.

I know what it feels like to be with someone who makes you feel like everything you say, do, wear, and think is wrong. I know what it’s like to cry, more so out of frustration than hurt, because you can’t understand why someone who “loves” you so much could be so mean to you especially about something that you didn’t even know you did. I know what it feels like for someone to pick you apart and make you feel like you have to change yourself to be perfect for them because who you are isn’t good enough. I know what it’s like to be compared to other women. I know what it’s like to be undermined and belittled. I know what it’s like to have to dumb yourself down because you don’t want to run the risk of making “him” feel insecure. I know what it’s like to give everything to someone. Everything. I know what it’s like to love someone so much that you stop loving yourself.
This stuff doesn’t happen overnight. It creeps up on you little by little and before you know it, you’ve lost yourself.

But one day, God reminded me how special I am. How I have people in my life who love me unconditionally. How He loves me unconditionally. I realized that I am smart, funny, talented, loving, and beautiful in my own way. And I started loving me. For a loooong time I would look myself in the mirror every single morning and say “Kaisha, you’re beautiful and I love you”. And I said it everyday until I believed it. Now, I don’t need anyone else to tell me these things. I don’t need anyone else’s approval. I know who I am and I know whose I am.

I think this is why my passion is for young women. Everything happens for a reason and my story enables me to relate to a lot of women with similar stories and situations. So when I give advice, I don’t want it to be mistaken that I think I know everything. I just put up with A LOT of crap for 3 years and refuse to stand silently and watch someone else burn in flames. Abuse comes in many forms, not just physical. For more information visit this website I found called youarenotcrazy.com when I was interested in working with the New Beginnings Center.

Men and women, you are special, beautiful, talented, unique, and you have a purpose. Don’t EVER let anyone convince you otherwise. Please please pleeeeease don’t stop loving yourselves!

-Kaisha

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4 thoughts on “Open Diary

  1. I totally agree with your post. I thought the same things. He is dating Snooki. This is who she is right now. Either accept her for who she is currently or move on but you can’t punish her like a child everytime she does something that’s within her character.

    1. Couldn’t have said it better! Accept her the way she is or go find someone who meets your standards but don’t penalize her for being herself especially since he’s CHOOSING to be with her. Isn’t he a pro MMA fighter or something? For all we know he could just be trying to get some fame. WHo knows? I just know that ON THE SHOW he tends to flip out about stuff all the time and I’m so over him lol

  2. Well spoken! It is super important to love ourselves before even being open to the idea of loving someone else. I watched that episode of Jersey Shore too, and though Snooki was stupid, I did feel for her when she was crying out too. I think as women, it is easier for us to sympathize with other women seeing that a lot of our experiences overlap. One thing is for sure, love yourself before even considering sharing the love you have with another!

    1. I agree! I failed to mention that her behavior was completely irrational lol, as was mine when I was going through my situation. It was dumb, I looked stupid, but I put on my “love blinders” lol. We all know how this goes, especially when alcohol is involved :/

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