2018 Reflections

I am overwhelmed with gratitude when I think about all that has transpired this year.

It started off miserably. I remember last New Year’s Eve being sequestered in the house with my (then) husband instead of enjoying myself with my family like I have every year of my life. I remember desperately trying to make the best of a situation that was emotionally and physically killing me. And every day that followed that should have been a celebration was filled with fear and anxiety. I remember walking on eggshells every day. Suffocating. And then I left. Rather, I made him leave.

I was supposed to feel triumphant AF. I didn’t. I felt lost and hollow. Then, I found answers. Answers that gave me the vocabulary I needed to process my experience with narcissistic abuse. And I began to heal.

I learned to smile again from the inside. My insomnia turned into restful sleep. My tears turned into hysterical laughter. I felt joy. I made myself happy. I loved me so hard. I came clean to my friends, and family, and coworkers, and even myself. I got gully and went all the way through with the divorce. My knees were weak and my throat was dry in court. It was like going to a funeral. But I didn’t have one single doubt. I had decided to save myself and I had decided that no one was going to make me feel badly about it.

I went on trips with my friends and made more memories than I can share. I crashed a bachelor party in Atlanta. I met Lil Rel on the street in New York. I got buzzed off Bellinis in New Jersey with my mom. I got on Tinder. That was short lived. Ha! I performed with my group at a party on a boat. I almost got kicked off another boat. I went to live shows with some of my favorite artists of all time. I drank way too much.

I moved out of my parents’ house and into an apartment with one of the best friends I’ve ever known. We had several parties. We solved most of the world’s problems in our living room.  There, we also had congressional hearings to decode the behavior of the men in our lives. We had a lot of friends over. They were inspired. And well fed.

I spent the holidays with my family. Drama free. I appreciated the people who stuck by my side through the ups and downs this year brought me. I saw who my real friends were and who was just there for the liquor and photo opps. I re-learned how to be alone. I’m still learning to advocate for myself and institute boundaries.

I have spent a lot of time with Kaish Kaish. Learning her, loving her, spoiling her. I have found wholeness. I don’t feel like anything is missing. I have peace, y’all. There is a sign that hangs above my closet door that says “start each day with a grateful heart”. I read it every morning. And I take heed. Because I cannot thank God enough for turning this year around for me. Had you asked me this time last year if I thought I would feel so at peace, and in love with life, I would’ve died a little inside thinking that it was unrealistic for me. Yet here I am, feeling better than I’ve ever felt. With more conviction in my heart than I’ve ever had. With more curiosity and hope for the future than I’ve ever known.

Overwhelmed with gratitude.

2019, I’m ready.

xoxo Kaisha

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