I stripped it all away. The issues I thought I had were only the surface level, easy to deal with things that get lots of reposts on Instagram. I dared myself to dig deeper. Every crutch, every quick fix, every distraction I had grown so fond of was nowhere to be found, and all I had was me. All I had was the mirror. And I did not like what I saw.
I thought maybe I felt bored because I am a fierce lover whose springs of vitality were not being tapped into by any eligible suitors. I thought maybe I didn’t feel as confident in my clothes because I have been gradually gaining weight since I got divorced. I thought maybe I did not feel secure about my future because the promotion I got at my job only satisfied me long enough to toast with my roommate before imposter syndrome came kicking me in the ass. I thought maybe I should buy more plants. Get a dog. No, I need to get out of the country, or at the very least move to Atlanta and work for The Weather Channel like I had planned years ago. I wanted to get out of where I was. But, the truth is, no matter how many passport stamps you collect, how many parties you get sloshed at, how many yummy bananas foster bread puddings you eat, you can never escape yourself.
We all have a vice. Some of us like sex. Some like food. Some like trash reality TV. Some like to sabotage healthy relationships. Some of us show up late to everything. Some of us like to send anonymous hate comments to people we envy online. We’re all trying to escape. We’re all trying to feel a little bit better. Obviously, some ways are more constructive than others.
So, as I had this realization about myself, I was tasked to deal with the reality of who I am. I had to face my dark side and my fears. I started to think about why I felt so badly. My life was perfect. I had a gorgeous place to live, amazing friends, an incredible family, and a career that afforded me every single thing I wanted. Still, it wasn’t enough.
And I realized that all of the things I thought were bothering me really weren’t. It wasn’t my weight or my dry phone or my job that was the problem. It was me. It was me outgrowing the person I have been for so long and doing everything I could to stay her. I had outgrown doing tequila shots until 3am and needing 48 hours to recover from my nights out. I had outgrown not keeping up with my laundry or forgetting to water my plants and letting them die. I was way too big for entertaining guys who only wanted to waste my time while they played to see how far they would get with me. I was too big for my inconsistent blogging britches and for showing up 30-45 minutes late to EVERYTHING. But I did not know how to let go of that girl. She’s all I know.
And that’s when my journey began. It’s not about success. It’s not even about finding myself. It’s about getting to know the NOW Kaish Kaish. I know this won’t be the last time because we are constantly unfolding into ourselves, but I am up for the challenge now. I don’t know her that well. I certainly don’t know how to be her. But I do know that I can’t carry on with the charade of who I used to be. She has transcended. And so go I.
I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that I was terrified. I don’t know what (or who) lies ahead. I struggle with the idea of not knowing who I am. But I gracefully remind myself that I do know who I am. My challenge is to be who I am.
Be patient with me as I am patient with myself.